There's Not Place I'll Go, You've Not Already Stood

Lauren Daigle on shuffle and replay…I feel like that’s all I’ve listened to the last few months. It’s on in my van, in my office, even my running playlists have been replaced by her soul touching lyrics. Not typical running songs maybe, but I feel closer to God when I run than so many other times. Somehow, her words calm the anxiety, and help center my eyes back to God, and putting all trust in Him.

Effie has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning…last night, she wanted me to snuggle in her bed, and I happily obliged. I went to bed earlier than usual, and slept well except that I dreamed for what seemed like all night…it was ALL about this appointment tomorrow. Sadly, I think she feels my anxiety, the angst in my soul worrying about what these x-rays will show. Last visit, we were so happy to hear that her curve actually measured less - kudos to Effie for being an avid brace wearer and such a strong little girl. This time, I feel like she’s grown a bit more, and with growth comes more risk of that scoliosis curvature increasing. What if it does increase, and surgery comes up as a bigger possibility? What if when she does have surgery, she has to have rods? There’s a newer type of surgery that is called tethering…supposed to be less invasive, and if we stay steady like’s she’s done, that one sounds like it could a possibility instead…and of course we would love to avoid surgery all together, although that’s not likely with her situation.

She knew I was worried this morning, and although she’s a little worried, she was telling me that it would be fine. “I’m wearing my brace. I’m working out and running…it’s going to be better. I’ll be fine.”, she says with all the certainty that I wish I had.

One of Lauren Daigle’s songs, “Everything”, in the very first verse says this:

“Even the sparrow has a place to lay it’s head, so why would I let worries steal my breath?”

That gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. If something as tiny as a wild sparrow has a place to sleep in this massive world, and that God made sure that tiny bird was taken care of…how could I let worry take my breath away?

Worry and some anxiety gets me even when I don’t want it to…it just does. Even when I know better.

This year, Effie made the Middle School Cross Country team…something she’s been dreaming of for over a year! Watching her run this season has been such a blessing. So many things in her life she has to work so hard at, and even though running and training requires work, she loves it so much, and the willingness to work at it and the ease at which it comes for her has been amazing to watch unfold. She has consistently been one of her team’s top runners - making friends with her older teammates, and seeming to fit it so well. The team aspect as a whole has been so comforting.

My dread for worsening of her spine curvature isn’t surgery really, although I would love for her not to go through it, but rather I know that if and when she has to do it, that it will sideline her for a while from one of the only things that has come so naturally for her…she loves it, and I don’t want her to ever lose it.

When she runs, it is without a brace, and that time that she’s running and working out counts just like she was wearing her brace, so those 22 hours she’s supposed to be in it, gets cut down when she’s active. As much as I would’ve loved for her to avoid dealing with any of this, I have come to believe that all of this is a blessing to her. She knows that in order to have a chance at avoiding major surgery, that she has to stay active…keep her core strong. She knows that not wearing her brace isn’t a choice that she can make. She knows that running has helped her, and she can’t just stop. She loves it, and the people she runs with…in Columbus and on her team…they seem to love her too. I’m sure some of them don’t know her story, but many of them do, and I think they admire her for it. I know I do.

I don’t know why I write this tonight, except to tell you where she is…and to ask you to say a prayer for her tonight. If you want to throw one in for a worrying mama, I won’t argue with you for that either. I know my anxiety about this if for naught…God has this under control. Lauren Daigle has another song called “Trust in You”…my favorite words in that song…

“There''s not a place I’ll go, you’ve not already stood.” God already knows what tomorrows x-rays will show, and for whatever that is, I know we will trust in His plan…but man, the waiting is so tough.

Faith….

It isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice to trust God even when the road ahead seems uncertain. (Davewillis.org)

Another year, another season...

I tossed and turned…I always do anyway, especially 8 months pregnant…can anyone really get comfortable that far along?! I had just turned back to a side when I felt a little gush. My eyes immediately opened…I was sure it wasn’t my water breaking…I had just worked that day, delivered a baby in a bathtub for goodness sakes…my baby girl was still 5 1/2 weeks away from her expected delivery date…it was too early for her to come. I quickly got to the bathroom, cleaned up a little, and just as I was thinking I was safe…here came another gush. I peeked in the bedroom and called out to Matt to “Wake up…my water broke”…he made a little noise…unbelieving, and rolled back over (no shame to him…he’s a hard sleeper:)). I called my co-worker, Susan, the midwife on call..told her what happened, and she stayed calm (just like always) and told me to head in to the hospital. I hung up…and I just cried…scared to death because it was me. I took care of folks like this pretty frequently, but it was happening to me… I was terrified.

I woke Matt back up…he was panicking a little now…we gathered a few things…gathered our 2 1/2 year old, Carson, and we headed out to the hospital. I knew the nurses on staff…they got me all settled, then I got Carson to sleep on the pull out sofa…he slept, and I labored. Up and down, and in and out of the shower…then at 8:20 a.m. with Carson in Matt’s arms wide awake…my two friends, and colleagues, Susan and Tamara in attendance, I pushed and quickly had a tiny 4 lb. 9 oz. baby girl in my arms…Effie Rose.

To fast forward 11 years to today and imagine all the ups and downs we’ve been through, well, that would be impossible. She is a fighter…she has been since day one. To try and convey just how sweet her little soul is…that would also be impossible. Frequently, I see parents, moms and dads, reminisce and saddened by how quickly kids grow up, and although I realize the time does fly, it doesn’t hit me the same way.

A few years back, Effie got into trouble in the car for unfastening her seat belt while riding down the road…I pulled off quickly, swatted her legs telling her how dangerous that was. Her response through tears, was “I just want to go live in Jesus’ house”. That statement hit me like a ton of bricks…to live with Jesus, would mean she wasn’t with me, and that was something my mind couldn’t process. She talked like that for a day or two…telling me she knew I would be sad, but it would be ok, and that she would see me again one day. I remember posting on social media that story, and saying something about I wasn’t ready to give her to God, and how much her saying that broke my heart. A friend from high school reminded me that God gave her to me, and she was His first. That rocked me…I knew it was true, but yet hard to hear. I remember keeping her in a little bubble for a bit…so very nervous of her every move…a true helicopter parent.

A good friend in high school played ball with my brother, and my boyfriend at the time. I went to almost every game I could, and I often sat near the mom of this friend…he was killed in a car accident in high school, and my heart ached so very bad for her. I didn't have kids at the time, but couldn’t imagine the loss and hurt that losing a child must bring. Another friend I work with today, lost her son a couple of years ago…I see her grieve sometimes even now. Another friend quickly lost her one-year old on Christmas Day several years back after more heartache than a little even before that. I can’t completely understand how they feel, but the pain is palpable.

So, as Effie is another year older today, and time really does fly…there isn’t one ounce of me that can post a crying emoji face, sad face, or hysterical crying face on social media…as I see frequently when kids of friends have a birthday. For us, it’s a celebration of life… a celebration of another year she is with us, and a celebration of all she’s able to do after the challenges she had to face.

I’m not even gonna lie…the teen years of my oldest are the most challenging so far, but even with it, there are such new and exciting things to take on and do as he gets older…new conversations, new things to be comfortable and even uncomfortable about…and every season, with every kiddo brings about those things.

This weekend, I watched and ran along side of her for most of 16.2 miles that she ran…a half-marathon at 6 a.m. then a 5K at 6:30 p.m. for a special shamrock medal…then she got first in her age group for the 5K with 24:36 time. I have watched her anxiety disappear so much over the past year, post brain surgery, and dealing with her scoliosis head-on…our running community has been an absolute godsend for her, and for Big Dog and Columbus Roadrunners, and those folks and fellow runners that support Effie, I couldn’t be more thankful…they are all amazing.

Today, I celebrate another year…and toast to another season of Effie’s precious presence in our life! No sad faces here…just hearts and love and pure thankfulness.

I just need to stick to knowing about lady parts...

A couple of weeks ago now, there was a full moon...our five bovine and very pregnant girls all look like they're ready to pop, so I just knew we would have babies!  Some of their sweet udders look like my breasts did when my milk came in with that first baby...sweet Jesus, surely they'll deliver soon!  The full moon came...I snuck over through the night with a lamp on my head (multiple times)...there they slept...no labor on the horizon...the full moon came and went...many more days and nights passed by...no babies.  Ugh!  I'm over there talking to them...calling them by name (yes, I name them...our herd is small enough I can do that;) ...giving off some midwife warm and fuzzies...they apparently were not feeling it!

One following morning, there was one heck of a mucus plug from the biggest of the expecting cows, and for those who have ever been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a little one, well, they know what a big deal that can be...I would've bet my life that there would be a baby on the ground before nightfall...I would've been a goner...yep...still pregnant.  As much as I've read and studied signs of impending calving, turns out, I'm not as good as that as I thought, and these mamas aren't nearly as predictable for calving than I thought.

Now, I'm gonna make a U-turn and talk about something completely different, but bear with me and know that it'll all come together in the end.

In the midst of all this baby-waiting, early on the morning of the 10th of July, I loaded a sleepy Effie Rose into the van with me, and headed out to Atlanta for her check-ups with her pediatric orthopedic doctor and her neurosurgeon.  The appointment with the orthopedic doc has been one I've been super anxious about for a good long while.  Since the end of December, Effie has been wearing her Rigo Scoliosis brace, and for the majority of the prescribed 22 hours per day, she is very good at wearing it just like she's supposed to.  Over the past 7 months, she's had some random, and weird, complaints, and I've been worried that her curvature was increasing rather than remaining stable.  And honestly, now that I know it's there, I can't not see it, so I way over-analyze it.  I've spent countless hours reading research, looking at other people's stories, and just flat out imagining the worst possible recheck and x-rays on this upcoming visit.  When I tell folks to stay off of Google for medical stuff...I should be looking in the mirror...I honestly had figured out in my head, what my questions would be when the curve was worse, and how to be as proactive as possible for Effie, and seriously worried we would be heading to some earlier than wanted surgery.

We arrived and signed in, and just a few minutes later, they grabbed her for x-rays...she's matured so much, and doesn't even need me to go with her anymore...and back she was, and there I was sitting on pins and the sharpest needles ever! 

Her curve measurement was actually less than it was previously...her physician praises Effie for wearing her brace so well, and tells her the measurement is a direct reflection of how well she's done!  What?!  Better than before...it's not increased?!  I had myself so prepared and so convinced and ready to make plans for whatever we needed to do..I was shocked!  Praise Jesus!  He did tell us, that if she stopped wearing the brace that very day, that slowly the curve would go back to what it was...that the brace more stabilizes it, but doesn't improve it longterm.  The goal is to wear the brace over the next few years...and when Effie is skeletally mature, that's when we may be looking at surgery.  The biggest changes in curvature will mostly likely occur when she hits a growth spurt...I swear her legs grow, and I know one of these days, her body will catch up with those long legs:) We will certainly have to watch her closely during those growth spurts, as sometimes that curve can change rapidly with fast growth, but for now, she is stable!

The neurosurgeon visit was uneventful...we will repeat her MRI in a couple of months to recheck the fluid that was in her spinal cord before the surgery...if that's resolved, she can get on the trampoline...something she's been begging him for!  I secretly would guess that if he had his preferences, the trampoline would be a no-go forever;)

So, with all of that...I really thought I knew what was coming with Effie's appointment...and I really thought I knew when my cows were going to drop their babies...turns out I don't know squat about either of those things:)  So, maybe I'll just stick to knowing about lady parts as a midwife...that seems like a safe bet...and even then, it's an ever-changing, and ever-learning environment.  This year, especially pushing past my comfort zone and learning lots of new stuff...and absolutely loving it!

As adults, we often think we have the answers...only God knows the plan, and trusting Him is really hard sometimes.  It certainly has been through Effie's venture these past nine months, but fear and anxiousness get me nowhere, so I need to work on that whole trust thing.

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account."  Hebrews 4:13

He knows everything...nothing is hidden from Him...not my anxiety about Effie's health, not what the results were going to be, not what her future holds...and yes, not even when those dang cows were going to have their babies.  

Those sweet cow babies started coming on July 13, and just five days later, they were all here...safe and sound...four girls and one boy...and our herd grew by 25%:)  And after all that watching and waiting...I witnessed ONE...just one...baby arrive farm side of this Earth:)

This little mama was the first to welcome her little calf, and I was quite surprised by her appearance...a super sweet mama and this sweet girl let us love on her for days before she got a little more shy:)  Sticking with our Disney theme for the year, this little lady is "Tiana".

Watch out for mama!

This little lady is the only one I actually watched arrive on our little farm...her mama is VERY protective, and certainly had me sprinting the next day!  Meet Moana!

We deviated from the Disney theme for this gal...sweet Hollis...named after my paternal grandfather...her mama is named after my grandmother, Stella.   The mama of this cutie was the last of the offspring from a cow originally from my grandmother's herd.  She is the CUTEST!

The one little guy...

This handsome dude is the sole little boy to arrive in our herd this time...he was very laid back!  I would've bet my sweet life his mama was hiding two babies in there...but as it would have it...I was wrong about that too:)  Meet Prince Naveen...Tiana had to have her prince here:)

And then there were 20...

Being a fourth girl surprised us tremendously , and when she arrived she rounded our herd number to 20!  Introducing Jasmine! 

Just about three years ago, we started with just one cow...Ruby...(not pictured).  Ruby's due to deliver her third calf with us around Halloween!

Storms make trees take deeper roots....

Friday night, May 4 - I sat with some of our family in Commerce, GA at the GRPA State Track Meet for 2018.  Just the week before, Effie qualified at the District meet to run the 1600m event at state.  We couldn't be more proud!  I had hoped for her that she didn't finish last, but the competition was tough, and she did finish last in her age group with a time of 7:05 for the mile event.  A great time, but with competition running in the 6:30-ish mark, she couldn't make it out in front.  All season long, I've tried to push her to get out in front, but she's more content to start near the back, and try and catch up and pass whatever competition she could.  It worked ok for her most of the season, but that doesn't work at all in state competition.  She wanted to win...or even place, but it wasn't meant to be this time.  I'd like for her to have that bulldog...win-at-all-cost attitude, but she's not built that way.  When we run longer distances, she's more in her element, and I pray that when she's at the eligible age, that she have a good future in cross country running...time will tell:)  I held her and wiped her tears away, and reassured her that I was so very proud of her...she was so worried I would be mad.  I am a tough mama...and if you don't give 100%, I'm way tough, but she did give it her all, and I am overjoyed...and thankful.

You see, when she ran that night, I watched her with a different eye than anyone else in that stadium.  She was 2 days away from the 6-month anniversary of her brain surgery...BRAIN SURGERY.  Holy cow! And to see her out there running...at a state track meet...it's almost too much to process.  

In the day or two after her surgery, we helped her get up and "walk" to the bathroom...she was very wobbly, and when I watched her feet take steps, it was as though they were stepping almost on top of each other, sort of "pigeon-toed".  I remember asking the surgeon about that...his response was "it's early...it should get better".  I had watched Effie over the couple of years before this whole thing started run...and run well...and grow to like it.  I tell her all the time that God can give us talent, but it's up to us to nurture that talent, work at it, and make it grow.  The worry "what-if" she couldn't overcome this and be able to run again was enough to bring me to my knees.  She's had to deal with enough already, why her?  Why should she have to face this?  Eventually the steps became straighter and straighter, and finally we could see the light.

Six weeks after surgery, we had clearance to go for a light run again...it was 42 degrees outside, I bundled her up, bundled me up, and we went to run laps in her school parking lot...I think her time that evening for a mile was about 8:00/mile.  I was blown away...6 weeks without running and she came out and ran almost like she had never missed a day.  She wasn't tired...she wasn't complaining about being cold...she just wanted to run.  My heart healed some after that run.  

Obviously,  Effie is doing well, but she still has obstacles to face, and she still has some really rough days.  We go back to Atlanta in July for follow up x-rays with her orthopedic physician, and then we see her neurosurgeon on that same day.  From what I understand, if there is any change in the curve in her spine, we may be looking at an earlier MRI.  If that curve is stable, she wouldn't have another MRI until 1 year after surgery, which would be November.  Waiting is hard.  There's a large part of me that wants to know today if that curve has increased or not.  There are days filled with tears, back pain, and discouragement.  22 hours a day she wears her brace...it's a part of her life now.  I know facing summer temperatures, there may be more complaining about heat, but just over a week ago, she helped plant the garden...while she wore her brace.  When we were all done, she had some pain, but a shower and a meal later, she was back to herself.

We still have a running plan, and we are getting signed up and registered to run about 6-7 races over the summer.  If anyone is close by over the summer, and wants to wait for her at the finish line to cheer for her, I'm sure she would absolutely LOVE it!  

In the 3 week span that we learned of the scoliosis, then the Chiari, then facing brain surgery...I would just stand in the shower alone and just cry...and pray.  It was a quiet place to let all of the fear go...to not have to hide just how terrified I really was.  There is a song by Casting Crowns "Praise You In This Storm".  The first few lines read "I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away.  Stepped in and saved the day.   But once again, I say Amen, and it's still raining."  At times, it felt like the storm wouldn't end, and we know there are more storms in her future...but Effie has continued to have an unwavering faith throughout this time in her life...the storm has made her have deeper roots, and for that I am so very thankful.  Praising God in the midst of a storm is tough...I am so often in awe of parents facing true devastation and their steadfast faith and praise.  I've failed at this on so many levels, but it truly was prayer and feeling the love and prayer from our family and friends that helped hold us up in the trenches.

Today, we capped off her track season with their end of year party...when it came time for her name, her coach asked if it was okay to share Effie's story.  Of course, I was totally happy to share where she was six months ago...I didn't expect to cry, but as I spoke, my voice cracked and the tears were flowing.  I'm an ugly crier...it's pretty pitiful really, but in that moment I couldn't even begin to express how proud we are of her perseverance, her attitude, and yes, her success in something that she has found she loves.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day...I told the kids all I wanted was a clean house, kids that didn't fight for the day, and to go for a run with my family...I sure am going to enjoy that run:)

2018 State Meet

We are so thankful for this girl's health and her hard work...running with her is my very favorite thing to do in this season of life.  A special thanks to her coaches, who understood that we had two other children playing sports...and on days when I couldn't get her to organized practice, they would share with me their running plan for the day.  When the boys got to where they needed to be, Effie and I would run whatever the team's plan had been...that truly helped us! 

Only Jesus....

Only Jesus helps me survive some mornings...well, he helps us survive EVERY morning, but you know what I mean.  The day after a school holiday...the girl in the house woke up really grumpy and whiny...not two bites into her breakfast, she knocks over her milk...of course it spills over to Carson's book and through the seam in the table...Holly, our Golden Retriever, was Johnny on the spot to help clean it up.  I'll be honest, some mornings that would be enough to just set me back for the day.  It's an accident, and it's easily fixable..but wrangling three kids for breakfast, school, and morning chores isn't an easy task, and sometimes it's easy to get lost in the busy-ness of the morning.  That morning was ok...a few dry and wet small towels, some cleaning spray after Holly had done her part and the table was like "new" again.  

Not 5 minutes later that same morning, I've got one burping out of the wrong end...one laughing...and the girl is now holding her nose and whining.  One thing that Effie hates...it's that specific type of "burping".  Meanwhile, I'm putting up clean dishes, making lunches, making eggs and bacon for me and the husband who has one leg out the door...oh and I'm still in my pajamas.  I finally get kids off to their rooms to attempt to get ready... I retreat to mine and switch the radio over to IHeart Radio...Third Day station...it always seems to pick me up when mornings are tough.  Today is no different, first song helps keep me grounded when one of the littles lands a hay-maker to the one who fanned one of those booty belches his way.  I. REALLY. DO NOT.MAKE.THIS.STUFF UP.  I head out to redirect those two crazy boys in the house.  We make it out of the house in time and with no yelling.  That in and of itself deserves some sort of an award occasionally.

I've got just the two boys...kuddos and standing ovation to the mom's who have only boys...Effie helps break up the non-sense and constant penis talk...you think I'm joking...I've had one laugh and act like his penis is a joystick, a helicopter...whatever you can name.  Last week, after the boys returned from squirrel hunting, I walked onto the front porch to find two lifeless squirrels in an embrace...like they were hugging...stiff as a board...ON MY FRONT PORCH.  We won't even talk about the things I find left in the toilet...I always assume they leave it for the viewing pleasure of others.  Thank goodness Effie puts on those occasional concerts and doles out those sweet little hugs to break up the penis monotony.  But thank God for these boys...our house would be a little boring without them here...and baseball is around the corner...my favorite time of the year. 

Last Monday was a school holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr...school Tuesday, then snow and ice days for 3 days...kids were excited...parents, that's a toss up.  How many moms were glad to see school back in today?  Show of hands...honestly.  If I had to bet, it would be a tie...half glad to send them back today, and half happy to have them home last week.  For the Ward house, we are happy to be out of school.  Effie has to work twice as hard as the boys, so any break is a welcome break.  Cullen's teacher is probably happy to have him have a snow day since he has more energy than the Energizer Bunny, and Carson is easy-going and is fine with whatever.  As soon as I knew their fingers wouldn't fall off, I was shuffling them outside to play in the snow as much as possible.  A rotating rack in front of the fireplace to dry gloves, hats and jackets kept them in supply of warm stuff and we were in business.  On the first real snow day, we loaded up a make-shift sled and headed out to one of the back pastures for some fun.  At one point on that day, I scooped up some snow into my glove and looked at it closely...I could see the perfect outline of the prettiest snowflake, another reminder of how amazing God really is...such a fragile, yet perfect creation.  

Whether it's a beautiful snow backdrop on our farm, or just trying to stay sane some mornings (and days) keeping kids on track without any screaming, it's only Jesus that keeps me grounded.  And on the days when I don't keep it together (because there are lots of those days too), there's always that bottle of wine in the cabinet.

"Can I have a hug? Because your hugs always make everything better..."

Those are the words I've heard most the last couple of days.  I've sat down and scribbled ideas and notes for the last 3 days trying to find the right words for this entry in the blog...I don't think I've really found them, but I feel like I need to get it going.

Before we ever found out about brain surgery, we found out about Effie's need to wear a scoliosis brace...I dreaded it even then, but after facing surgery, bracing was put on hold and my fears surrounding the brace hit a pause button too.  We scheduled the fitting for early December thinking at least then it would be filed to insurance before the end of the year...that would be good for us since we have already met that great "maximum out of pocket" amount.  When I asked the receptionist about filing it to insurance before December 31, she let me know that they can't bill until we receive the brace and it usually takes about a month to make them, so she didn't think we would get it on this year's benefits...that was a big bummer.  However, we met her orthotist at our initial appointment, and after discussing with her, she scheduled us to return on December 29 to get the brace..she felt confident they would have it ready by then.  Praise God for that because it really saved us a chunk of money...at least for now.  

Lee is her orthotist.  She carefully measured so many places at that appointment nearly a month ago, and with unbelievable technology and intelligence, Effie slipped into her light pink hard shell brace for the first time last week.  The fitting was flawless, and after some trimming, some padding and some practice, we were headed out on the next leg of this adventure.  I've had people ask so many questions about surgery and bracing...I think with the two diagnoses so close together, there were folks that thought her recent surgery repaired everything.  Just to clear up confusion, the surgery she had in November was to repair a Chiari malformation and open up the area so that hopefully, her cerebrospinal fluid will flow more easily, and prevent the buildup of fluid within her spinal cord...the scoliosis was sort of put on the back burner until she recovered.  The two are somewhat related, but that's a longer story.  Now, we start to address the scoliosis itself.  The brace is designed to put pressure on the two curves and attempt to help those curves become more straight and more stable.  The hope is that the brace helps to slow progression...I don't think there's a lot of hope that the brace will actually improve her curve, but rather to slow down how much it continues to curve.  It's a race against time as the higher degree the curve, the faster the curve changes...also against her, is that the closer to puberty she gets, the faster it changes too.  Her brace is a Rigo brace...it's a newer design, rather than the traditional Boston brace.  I don't know the reasoning behind why this one versus the other, except based on Effie's case, the orthotist worked with our pediatric orthopedic physician and decided this was the best option for her. 

22 hours per day.

I don't think many of us have something that we have to do for at least 22 hours per day other than those involuntary actions of breathing and living, but starting this past Friday, Effie started the process of working her way up to 22 hours per day.  I've searched and searched for information from families on what to expect with bracing.  The basics are out there on scoliosis websites, but no real people advice to be found, so while many of this may not interest you, I'm going to do a 30-day "diary" of Effie's experience with her brace.  I'll continue to edit this specific post and I won't re-share it each time, just so I don't bore you:)  My hopes are that at some point, it will help some other family and little girl facing the same challenges.

From the very beginning, one of my biggest fears with bracing was the lack of physical touch when she's wearing it.  We hug...we hug a lot.  I think I've already told this story, but that fear started one morning when I went in to wake Effie.  She always reaches up to hug me when I wake her up in the morning.  The morning after we found out about the need for a brace, I went in to wake her and as she wrapped her arms around my neck, mine went around her little torso...her gown was soft against her soft skin...the perfect amount of squishiness:)  As I felt her body in my hands, my eyes began to sting and I had to finish the hug with a quickness to sneak out of the room before the salty stream of a tear slipped down my face.  I knew in that moment that once she had the brace, and had to wear it the length of time prescribed, that my days of feeling her body in my hands every morning were limited...sadly, I was right.  We are two nights in to wearing it, and just this morning, she took it off, laid it aside and then quickly jumped back under the covers and said "now you can really snuggle me".  She knows.  She doesn't say it, but I'm sure she knows.  

Effie was anxious to get her brace, and already she's handled it like a pro.  She was so attentive when Lee taught her (and us) how to wear the brace.  She will get it on lying down for now, but is told that she'll be flawless at putting it on different ways very soon.  She saved some stickers from Christmas, and already the light pink hard shell of a brace adorns unicorns and glitter stickers. We've been supplied with some specially made undershirts to wear underneath the brace...so far, her normal clothes fit over the brace, although I'm sure jeans will be an adventure.  

Day 1 - She chose to leave the brace in place as we left her fitting appointment - the plan for Day 1 was just 1 hour for the day.  She made it about 30-45 minutes before she started to complain of back pain. She found it super uncomfortable to ride in the car, but the pressure on her curves by which the brace actually works, forced her out of it before the hour was up, she postponed the remaining half hour or so until later evening.  She wore it that evening with little complaints, and was proud of herself for sticking to her schedule.

Day 2 - Eager that morning, she knocked the hour of bracing out first thing.  She was near the hour mark before she started whimpering...we talked, changed positions and toughed it out.  I dreaded the night, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  She even woke up surprised that she slept most of the time.  

Day 3 - The agenda for the day was two hours in the morning, two in the evening and to wear it through the night...the morning hours went by pretty quickly, but the evening two brought along tears and frustration...the minutes seemed to tick by as reality had set in that soon, she would need to wear it nearly every minute of the day.  Nearing bedtime, she grabbed the brace and with a little help was all tucked into it.  We all sat to watch a movie...she was up and down and just could not find a comfy spot.  She climbed up on the couch with me and attempted to get settled...the hard shell of plastic laying on my chest.  It's so hard to comfort her when she gets upset...she knows she has to wear the brace, so she doesn't ask not to...she does it, but she's frustrated by the magnitude of change that comes along with it. I laid beside her in bed this night listening to her moan and sigh as she turned over...I prayed the night would pass quickly and she would sleep well.  It's New Year's Eve...she didn't stay awake to see it in, but I'm sure she would hope for a better 2018 than what 2017 brought along for her, yet I know that this is God's plan, and I remind myself that He knows best.  

Day 4 - Again the night went better than I expected, but as I mentioned above, she couldn't wait to get the brace off for some real snuggling.  She faced three hours this morning, then two for the afternoon, then again to wear through the night...she'll be wearing it every night from here on out.  She's come to me several times asking "Can I have a hug? Because your hugs always make everything better."  Each time, she's wearing the brace...needing some contact.  Maybe it's such a midwife thing, but I worry so much about this lack of physical touch while wearing the brace.  The hugs are hard...I usually wrap my arms around her body, but now that's replaced with a shell that she actually can't feel through...so I make sure I kiss her and rub her face.  I'm wishing deep down that my hugs really did make everything better...I'm glad for her it soothes her for now.  She started questioning me today on how long she would need to wear the brace...she knows it's years...she also realizes it may not even help.  She asked to be tucked in early tonight because she just couldn't find a comfortable place hanging out in the living room with us.  She has another week before she returns to school, but I worry about it already...removing and reapplying the brace for PE...going to the bathroom...getting frustrated, or just being in pain in the middle of the school day...some of the things on my mind.  I know it'll be fine, it always is.  I need a clone...because if my hugs really do make everything better...I need one.

Day 5 - "I just don't know why this is happening to me."  There are times she doesn't understand why she has to do this...why anyone would have to do this.  Morning and afternoon stretches of wearing the brace are starting to run together, and it's becoming more obvious that she will get little break from the new contraption.  Sleep is ok...if you enjoy bedding down with alligators.  I go back to sleep fairly easily, and I know that my being with her is giving her comfort, so it doesn't bother me to much, but if you require lots of sleep, be aware.

Day 6 - She woke to the morning and decided she would just leave it on through the morning.  She is up to 17 hours per day of wearing the brace, and still handling it much better than me.  A long bath seems to be her go-to when she wants to be out of it for a while.  Thank goodness for that bath-bomb kit she got for Christmas:)

Day 7 - She came out of the brace for just a few minutes while eating breakfast then no complaints to put it back on.  She did tell me she was able to go to the bathroom today while wearing the brace...when I asked her how it went...her response "terrible".  We are up to 18 hours per day...only 4 more to go!  I feel like there are less complaints.  Tonight, though she laid down in my lap during a movie...the brace firmly laying against my thigh and causing some discomfort when I noticed she was asleep.  I didn't move her until Matt could pick her up and tuck her into bed.   I just cannot imagine how uncomfortable it is to wear the brace...tough girl for sure!

Day 8-9 - She doing pretty good...up to 21 1/2 hours per day.  She's still restless at night, but not waking up like she was before.

Day 10 - We saw her neurosurgeon and her orthopedic specialist today.  It went well.  The neurosurgeon said she had no restrictions, but then she asked him about the trampoline...that was a firm "no".  He didn't really mean "no" restrictions, but he promised they would TALK about it when we see him back in May.  That was good enough for Effie.  At the orthopedist, there is no real change in the curve since October, and that is good news for now.  We see him back in six months for another x-ray, then if there are any changes, she may need her MRI sooner than November.  

Day 13 - Effie doesn't wear the brace when she's practicing or playing guitar, honestly, she just hasn't found a comfortable way to do it, so out the door on the way to guitar lesson, she forgot her brace.  We were headed to Perry, GA for an archery tournament just after that, so she got a free pass for extra hours.  We didn't make it home until close to midnight, but she gladly buckled herself back into it and went right to sleep.

Day 18 - GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD---Snow day out of school and we spent hours outside and sledding, as snow for us is a rare opportunity.  It wasn't until the afternoon that any of us really noticed that she didn't wear it all day.  Honestly, had I noticed, I probably would have given her a pass to be out of it while were sledding and playing, so no harm done.  After she showered, she was back into it and right back to the routine.  Effie knows the brace is part of her life now, and whatever she does has to include at least the thought of the brace.  I know, though, that life and playing is important too, and sometimes it's just going to be ok for her to be the regular brace-less kid she was before all of this...snow day was that day.

Day 22 - Exercise is another way Effie can forego the brace...on this day, she biked trails and ran track...a little extra time that really counts as brace time, but isn't really.  I told her it won't be too long and she'll be begging me to go on extra runs, just so she can use it as core-building time.  She's not able to build core strength while in the brace, so out of it and exercising is accomplishing something that she needs to do too.

Day 23 - This morning around 2 a.m. Effie came to my room and asked me to come sleep with her...she had a bad dream and wanted me closer...how can I say no to that, so off I went:) . Around 5:30, I woke up and asked her if she wanted me to snuggle her for a little bit...she didn't speak a word, and all I heard was the pulling apart of velcro while she quickly escaped the brace.  She quickly nestled right next to me.  It just goes to show how much our children need our physical hugs and love:)

Bent not broken.

Images from the day we got a scoliosis diagnosis.

Effie listens intently to her orthotist as she gets instructions on her brace.

Effie leans in to her Daddy as she soaks all of this in.

It was a long visit...and while I'm not a big fan of electronics, this appointment needed them...if you're taking other kids with you for this appointment, pack some entertainment.

First fitting

Straps have been applied, and for the first time, Effie is helped into the brace.

She's up for the first time, trying to pinpoint any uncomfortable areas that need more trimming or padding.

"I can do it"

Effie attempts to strap herself in all by herself...she makes quick progress needing little help.

She's all tucked in...seems to be a perfect fit.

Perfect..

Emojis, unicorns and glitter...what more could a girl ask for?!