Another year, another season...

I tossed and turned…I always do anyway, especially 8 months pregnant…can anyone really get comfortable that far along?! I had just turned back to a side when I felt a little gush. My eyes immediately opened…I was sure it wasn’t my water breaking…I had just worked that day, delivered a baby in a bathtub for goodness sakes…my baby girl was still 5 1/2 weeks away from her expected delivery date…it was too early for her to come. I quickly got to the bathroom, cleaned up a little, and just as I was thinking I was safe…here came another gush. I peeked in the bedroom and called out to Matt to “Wake up…my water broke”…he made a little noise…unbelieving, and rolled back over (no shame to him…he’s a hard sleeper:)). I called my co-worker, Susan, the midwife on call..told her what happened, and she stayed calm (just like always) and told me to head in to the hospital. I hung up…and I just cried…scared to death because it was me. I took care of folks like this pretty frequently, but it was happening to me… I was terrified.

I woke Matt back up…he was panicking a little now…we gathered a few things…gathered our 2 1/2 year old, Carson, and we headed out to the hospital. I knew the nurses on staff…they got me all settled, then I got Carson to sleep on the pull out sofa…he slept, and I labored. Up and down, and in and out of the shower…then at 8:20 a.m. with Carson in Matt’s arms wide awake…my two friends, and colleagues, Susan and Tamara in attendance, I pushed and quickly had a tiny 4 lb. 9 oz. baby girl in my arms…Effie Rose.

To fast forward 11 years to today and imagine all the ups and downs we’ve been through, well, that would be impossible. She is a fighter…she has been since day one. To try and convey just how sweet her little soul is…that would also be impossible. Frequently, I see parents, moms and dads, reminisce and saddened by how quickly kids grow up, and although I realize the time does fly, it doesn’t hit me the same way.

A few years back, Effie got into trouble in the car for unfastening her seat belt while riding down the road…I pulled off quickly, swatted her legs telling her how dangerous that was. Her response through tears, was “I just want to go live in Jesus’ house”. That statement hit me like a ton of bricks…to live with Jesus, would mean she wasn’t with me, and that was something my mind couldn’t process. She talked like that for a day or two…telling me she knew I would be sad, but it would be ok, and that she would see me again one day. I remember posting on social media that story, and saying something about I wasn’t ready to give her to God, and how much her saying that broke my heart. A friend from high school reminded me that God gave her to me, and she was His first. That rocked me…I knew it was true, but yet hard to hear. I remember keeping her in a little bubble for a bit…so very nervous of her every move…a true helicopter parent.

A good friend in high school played ball with my brother, and my boyfriend at the time. I went to almost every game I could, and I often sat near the mom of this friend…he was killed in a car accident in high school, and my heart ached so very bad for her. I didn't have kids at the time, but couldn’t imagine the loss and hurt that losing a child must bring. Another friend I work with today, lost her son a couple of years ago…I see her grieve sometimes even now. Another friend quickly lost her one-year old on Christmas Day several years back after more heartache than a little even before that. I can’t completely understand how they feel, but the pain is palpable.

So, as Effie is another year older today, and time really does fly…there isn’t one ounce of me that can post a crying emoji face, sad face, or hysterical crying face on social media…as I see frequently when kids of friends have a birthday. For us, it’s a celebration of life… a celebration of another year she is with us, and a celebration of all she’s able to do after the challenges she had to face.

I’m not even gonna lie…the teen years of my oldest are the most challenging so far, but even with it, there are such new and exciting things to take on and do as he gets older…new conversations, new things to be comfortable and even uncomfortable about…and every season, with every kiddo brings about those things.

This weekend, I watched and ran along side of her for most of 16.2 miles that she ran…a half-marathon at 6 a.m. then a 5K at 6:30 p.m. for a special shamrock medal…then she got first in her age group for the 5K with 24:36 time. I have watched her anxiety disappear so much over the past year, post brain surgery, and dealing with her scoliosis head-on…our running community has been an absolute godsend for her, and for Big Dog and Columbus Roadrunners, and those folks and fellow runners that support Effie, I couldn’t be more thankful…they are all amazing.

Today, I celebrate another year…and toast to another season of Effie’s precious presence in our life! No sad faces here…just hearts and love and pure thankfulness.

Circle back...

It's hard to think back and gauge when Effie started running...somehow she ended up running a mile in my hometown with my parents several years ago...and I think, won the 1-mile overall female that year… surprising us!  Later that year, the boys played football in the middle of Columbus, and around that collection of fields, was a fantastic running/walking track.  For anyone that knows me, you'd know I can't sit still for very long.  The practices were long, and I needed to exercise anyway.  I remember asking Effie if she wanted to run while they practiced, and she answered an emphatic "yes!".  It was sometime after that I devised a plan for the two of us to walk/run the track while the boys practiced.  Gradually we would work our way up to running longer distances.  There were definitely days that she'd rather not run...days that she may have cried a little, but most days, we managed to push through, and both of us always felt better for it after.  It's funny to me...on the days I really didn't feel like running, she was pushing me...and on the days that she wasn't as up to it, I pushed her...it was a good team effort. 

Occasionally there was a 5k, and she did well for her age...I was proud of her for going that far.  Then, 2017, she started youth track in our county.  While trying to figure out what she would run best, the first unofficial meet, they had her in a sprint group...I think she cried the whole time...I thought “Oh Lord, what have we signed up for?”…it was distance from that point on...and you would never be able to convince her to do anything else.  She did pretty good for her first year, and again, we were proud of her attitude and what she was capable of at her age.  We continued to run some in off-season, and soon, it seemed like she was leaving me in the dust...and when I say "it seemed"...she WAS...and would laugh about it.  I would have to look for places to run where she could run ahead of me...if we ran on the road, she of course had to run slower to stay with me... and she hated the slower pace.

In the fall of 2017, she had her setback, and I just knew brain surgery would sideline her track season, but as she would work back to running, 2018 became her second year of youth track...she loved running and had seemed to find her niche.  Carson has always been the most athletic in the family...but soon, he even found out, that when it comes to running distance, he didn't stand a chance with Effie.  As much as track helped cement how much she loved running, she doesn't love running in circles...she would always rather run on a new track or a trail...she likes something different…new scenery.  She made it to state last year for her group, but missed placing in state by what I think was just a few seconds...she was devastated, but some failure is good for kids in my opinion, and her recovering from that to be successful now has done big things for her confidence level. 

We continued to run, and heading into the summer of 2018, I decided to sign her up for a Summer Series with a local running group...it included five races...you have to run at least four, one of which was a 5-miler,  to be qualified for awards at the end of the series.  I signed both of us up...I don't run to win anything...I'm really not that fast...I run because running with Effie is by far, one of my most favorite things in life at this season of life.  It also helps to hold me accountable to run with her through the week, and maintain a level of exercise in the midst of this crazy, busy life.  

We combined the Summer Series with many additional races, and in most of those, she placed in the top 3 for her age group.  Her most impressive finish to me was at the end of April, when she finished first in her age group in a 5K with a time of 23:36, but placed 18th out of 219 runners total...men included.  When I look back at that statistic, it blows my mind. 

As many of you know, prior to that 2018 track season, a routine well visit turned into the perfect storm of chaos for us...three weeks after that visit, my husband and I would watch her roll into the OR to have brain surgery. Surgery to decompress a Chiari Malformation and relieve pressure that had built up in her spinal cord...something we had no idea of prior to that pediatrician visit.  Her success in running faced so many questions in my mind...would she be the same after surgery...would she run again...would she want to?  The doctors assured us, it was possible, but then, we also had to tackle scoliosis head-on after recovery from surgery.  She would be wearing a big brace 22 hours a day...how well would she deal with this?  So many questions, and so few answers.  Recovery was H.A.R.D.   It's excruciating watching your child hurt, and being so unable to calm or sooth them.  Then one day, she turned a corner...I arrived home from work one afternoon, and she was up walking unassisted!  After surgery, she kept stepping over her feet...what I mean by that is that she kept crossing them over each other when she took steps...on the inside, I was internally terrified.  She certainly can't run THAT way.  Our orthopedic and neurosurgeon said to give it time.  We held the faith and just kept believing it would return to normal. And it did.

Just six weeks after brain surgery, we ran our first mile after surgery...she was slower than she had been, but she felt great and still beat the brakes off of my time!  It was a near freezing 42 degrees outside...her nose was red and cold...but SHE WAS RUNNING.  My heart could just explode.  I've probably told that story already on my blog someplace, but somehow it slips in here again.  It was a turning point for what those next thirteen months have held, and we couldn't be more thankful. 

Effie has had anxiety for years, and she used to cry and get super anxious when we would be preparing to line up to run a 5K...almost into anxiety attack mode.  Then in April for that run, a friend joined us...not even 1/2 mile into that run, I could no longer see her.  From that day forward, there's been no real anxiety before races...we usually go for a slow warm up run, then when they call the runners to the line, she grabs me, kisses me and says "I'll see you at the end!"...and her tiny little body will often put herself in the front area of the group of runners...and she can certainly hold her own in that spot.  Each race, I think builds her confidence even more, and this past weekend, we ran a half-marathon…something she had been contemplating in her mind, although until recently, she really doubted she could go that far. She finished fourth in her age group at 2 hours and 5 minutes…she’s ten years old and weighs 55 pounds. The running community in Columbus is so strong, and again we are able to see that Effie is right where God would have her be right now…surrounded by a great group of folks that love running as well…and so many of them are so supportive to Effie…cheering her along the way when I can’t keep up (which is every time by the way;)) We’ve added youth training workouts this fall at a great locally owned business, Impact Performance. She’s fun to watch in those groups and with their wonderful coaches. I hope she can realize how taking care of her body is helping her bent little body so much. And for this year, our plan is to continue to run as many races as we can, and her eyes are on trying out for our cross-country team for their next season.

Each week when we go out for runs, we usually end up somewhere, at least once, that she has to stay more with me, rather than set her own pace.  So many times running, she will do her normal what we call "circle back" to me...it's a saying we came up with when she would get far enough ahead of me, that I thought she needed to come back and run with me...usually on the highway or a trail...I'm not comfortable with her being too far out of sight.  She does it instinctively now...and I always think, “what a great heart that girl has!”.  She continues to work hard...and she knows I'm working hard, but even though I am a little (or a lot) slower than she is...she's willing to run back to me, then start again.  This happens many times on our runs, but a few months ago, it just hit my heart differently.

I think God works like this so often...He's ahead of us...all-knowing...all-powerful...we try and keep our eye on Him, but even when we lose sight of Him, and we fall a little behind or need His encouragement, He "circles back" to pick us up...to carry us further. 

I’ve had a good deal of bitterness in the wake of all of Effie’s troubles…not towards God at all, but towards medical mistakes that were made in the couple of years before we found out…I’m working on that in my heart, and trusting in God to see that through to complete peace for me, but that’s a different blog for a different day.

This week, I’m looking up and asking God to stay by our side. We go back on Friday for our routine, every six month, x-rays to evaluate Effie’s spine curvatures. She continues to wear her brace when she’s not active, up to the 22 hours per day, but it’s not a cure…it’s more of a “let’s try and slow this curve down” kind of tool. So far, she hasn’t increased that curvature, but every time we go for one of these appointments, I’m anxious. I know as she grows, her risks increase for that number to rise, so at some point, we’ll face that. Every time, I ask for it not to be “this time”. And again, I find myself asking God for more time, and more good news…news that this curve hasn’t changed, that what we are doing is working for now, and that all of Effie’s hard work in compliance in bracing is paying off for her…I’m asking for more time to run, more time to build confidence and love for something that has been a saving grace for us both, and more time for her to see that even after surgery one day, running will be worth fighting her way back to.

She is a warrior I will always want in my corner...and just like God, I pray she always "circles back" for me.

Nine miles+ in and she was still smiling!

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ”

— Nelson Mandela