faith, family and a farm

When I found out I was pregnant with our third baby, Effie was just 9-months old. She was born prematurely, the survivor twin of which I lost the other very early in that pregnancy..Effie was only 4 pounds. 9 ounces at birth. And from the beginning, she’s been pure perfection (ya know, with a little sass from time to time). Truthfully, we all have our flaws, but she has the best heart and the sweetest spirit of any human I’ve ever met…and y’all, she smells like an angel…smell her head next time you see her…it’s crazy!

Just before the age of 2, my mom and I started noticing one of her eyes turning in more often than was normal. On her second birthday, we saw an ophthalmologist and walked out with glasses a couple of hours later. She was significantly far-sighted and diagnosed with Accommodative Esotropia, a focusing issue. When she was four and in pre-k, she cried often and was so hard to leave. Thank goodness for a fantastic teacher (Hey Miss Hess!) that would love her extra hard and let her sing to herself while the other kids napped. Later that year, she underwent eye surgery - we were a mess, but she was a trooper. When she started kindergarten, Cullen was in pre-k…he was a quick learner, often helping Effie with sight words too…she hated it. Learning those words was a chore for her, but I chalked it up to her having different challenges to overcome. First grade was no easier…Cullen, just a year behind, sailed through what she had struggled to grasp. I often questioned myself as a mother…”what did I do wrong”…”have I enabled her so much that it’s hurt her?”. I wanted answers so we did testing. She was diagnosed early in the school year with Inattentive ADD and significant anxiety for her age - we found a great psychiatrist and tried medicine. She agreed that it helped her head “not feel so cloudy”. We trudged along the next few years, then in the third grade, she took up running. It was something we found she was good at sort of by accident…she liked it, so I pushed her along to work at it. I tell her all the time, “God can give you talent, but it’s up to you to water and feed that talent for it to grow.” I think sometime in that year or the one to follow, she was running well enough to run some races and ended up doing very well. It was the first time in her life she was naturally good at something…and she loved it. Running gave her confidence that she never had before…some of the anxiety she had dealt with, almost just melted away. In October of 2017, fourth grade, at a routine well visit, she was incidentally diagnosed with scoliosis, two curves, the largest 37 degrees…three weeks later we were rolling her into an operating room for brain surgery to correct a Chiari Malformation that had also been found on MRI. Her spinal column was packed full of fluid that had nowhere and no room to go…it was a rushed thing and we were all in shock. It truly rocked me to the core. Why, for a little girl that has had to climb over wall after wall, would she have to go through this too? She rocked it, just like she had done everything else, and even though we had been worried how it would affect her running, 6 weeks later, she was still out running me. It barely slowed her down. Scoliosis was her next challenge to take on…and even still, she is showing it who the boss is. She braces 22 hours per day, and with the best doctor and orthotist, her curve has continued to decrease…the prayer is that it holds on through her big growth spurts and that she can avoid surgery…only time will tell. In the sixth grade, she was able to try out for Middle School Cross County and made the team. She was one of their top two female runners that year, just behind another friend her age who, by the way, is an amazing all-around athlete! And while she excelled in running, schoolwork has always been a task that was accompanied by many tears and fights…so full of frustrations and questions about why it was so hard for her. Out of school, her anxiety was pretty much gone…no medicine. During school, if she didn’t take medicine, she was off-task and struggling. Grades were always ok, but it wasn’t without the very best of teachers and counselors, as well as blood, sweat and tears (from both of us)!

This year, she’s a true middle-schooler. I’m not so old that I can’t remember that those years just flat out SUCK..I guess it’s somewhat reassuring to know that times haven’t changed…, but this year has been her worst so far emotionally. I’m sure a global pandemic didn’t help. The fact that it’s near impossible to have a relationship with her teachers…a face to face relationship….and real meetings…not Zoom, not Google meetings, but a real “I’m her mom and I’m here to help any way I can” meeting. These teachers didn’t know her…they didn’t know her struggles and what she had been through and recovered from. Another fact that didn't help was that her best friend up to this point in life was in none of her classes, and that friendship has all but faded away. Between multiple tests every week, sometimes on the same days, staying up til sometimes 11 o’clock at night, anxiety about tests and grades…it’s not hard to wonder if the school setting isn’t so good for her. She’s not alone. I’m sure there are so many kids who would thrive outside of that setting, but often parents cannot afford, or do any other option. That was us…I work full-time. I have to…and I want to, but I also said more than once…”I could never homeschool my kids, but if I could, I would homeschool Effie”. This year, that idea has looked better and better. I did the Google Meet, I met face to face with counselors…who honestly bent over backwards to help any way they could. Effie was in classes that had extra helpers/teachers, and although helpful, there were other factors that didn’t work well for her. One late night, through tears and swollen eyes from the angst and crying about so much work and the feeling that the world was on top of her…she looked at me and said, “I feel like I’m a burden and y’all would be better without me.” Let me tell you how much that made me stop dead in my tracks. We talked through it, and have many times since then. Effie is a happy kid…very much still a kid…loves kid things and toys…not boys and makeup. Those words weren’t something that would normally ever come from her. I prayed and I prayed. A couple of really hard weeks later, talking with Matt one morning about some continued struggles at school, he says “let’s do it. We will find a way to homeschool.” It’s something that had been pulling at my heart for a bit, and the only thing stopping me was finding a way for it to work. It was settled. We would find a way.

Let me say too, to any of her teachers out there, you have been awesome! I couldn’t do what you do on a day-to-day basis…I thank you for loving my kids, and for trying so hard to make it work for Effie. I’ve always felt like I was walking a fine line between enabling her versus pushing her to do her absolute best, and not taking less from her. Our boys will stay in school. They love it, they excel, and they’re in advanced classes. They’re some of the types of kids that the system works so well for, but as a parent, it’s my job to know that it doesn’t work for Effie…I truly feel that this is a life-changing decision for her.

One of my reservations about taking her out of public school, was knowing that if she didn’t attend public school, that she couldn’t run for the school Cross Country team…one of the things she loved the most. We live in Harris County and we love it…that’s who she would rather run for, but our GA laws won’t allow it. Several weeks before we made this decision, we were discussing it at a school event, where a friend, who is also a tell-it-like-it-is administrator, just flat out said “if our schools aren’t good enough for you, then sports shouldn’t be either”. While I love her dearly, I truly was shocked and didn’t say a word back. I didn’t know what I could say. Was I wrong? I don’t think so, but I’m sure that’s a different debate for a different day. I started doing some looking and asking, and I found out that through 8th grade (if we do this again next year), we can pay and she can run with one of two private school teams in a nearby town, even if she is still traditionally homeschooled. If that’s ultimately what we have to do, then we will, but it won’t be without much sadness for losing the coach she’s had the last two years.

I say all of this, to declare that today starts a new chapter for Effie. Abeka homeschool program is organized and ready to go…and this girl is excited. I can’t say I don’t have some worries, but honestly, when we made that final decision, I’ve never been more at peace. It feels right for her. After sharing with one of her counselors at school, her response was that she felt this was all a “transition period” for Effie. With so much respect for her, I know she sees that in lots of students, but this…for Effie…it’s not transitional. It’s been going on since pre-k and kindergarten, and I feel like it’s been this gradual buildup of anxiety and dread.

I have a Master’s in Nursing - I attended Emory University in Atlanta for my Midwifery degree. It was a lot of years in school. Matt has a Master’s in Education. The importance of education isn’t lost of either one of us. Knowing our kids and their needs is something I feel like we are really good at, and that’s what THIS is. All kids are different - no matter if you raise them the same, they’re different…they’re their own person. I don’t know why Effie has had to endure what I feel like is more than she should. I don’t know how she’s handled all the physical stuff like a champ, but then has anxiety over a last minute test or assignment. I don’t know why God made Effie a different learner than Carson or Cullen. I think that’s a great question to ask Jesus one day…but she believes, as do I, that there IS a reason. It may not be for us to know right now, but we believe God doesn’t make mistakes.

We may fall flat on our face and this may not work, but we have to try.

So, today send up a prayer for her…for this to be an answer…for this to be a time for her to focus on those things she needs to know for school…the “meat and potatoes” as I call it…for this to be a time where she can focus more on running…for her to focus more on music, something that has always brought so much calm and joy for her…for her to be her own person, and for us to help make the best decisions for her.